I love lazy Saturdays, where I can go to Panera and spend hours drinking coffee and playing around on the Internet to my little heart’s content.
I recently read a book (an amazing book) titled Take This Bread and that that phrase keeps coming back to me over and over again.
I’ve realized that most of my contentment or discontentment in life comes from my projection of the future. Instead of living in the moment I tend to want to predict what the future will be…based on the moment. So, if I things are going well (i.e. how I want them to) I predict that they will continue to and that my whole life will be rosy. On the other hand, if things are not going well (i.e. not how I want them to) I predict that this is my lot in life and the whole thing is a wash.
The Bible says not to worry (Matthew -34), not to be anxious (Philippians 4:5-7), not to boast about the plans you’ve made for your life (James -17). Yet that is what I spend most of my time doing.
As He often does, God has used a myriad of books, movies, music, events, and people in the past several months to teach me one very important thing: Live today. Take This Bread, Take This Bread, Take This Bread. I keep imagining a piece of bread. Like those chunks of bread you sometimes get when you do the Lord’s Supper at church. A magnified, square piece of wheat bread, with a little crust on two sides. And I keep hearing God say in my heart this is your piece of bread, today – touch it, taste it, smell it, feel it, absorb it, be nourished by it, consume it, love it, this is it. Today. Just like the Israelites had to wait each day for Me (God) to give them more manna from heaven, you will have to live each day. One at a time. Fully.
So I have been. And anytime I start to get ahead of myself and fret about the future or feel discouraged by the moment I hear the Spirit say Take This Bread. This is your bread. And you know what? It fills me with such joy and peace. I think I’m finally starting to understand what Jesus meant when He said to be like a child (Luke -17). Children rarely worry about the future or wish the days away. Very young children often don’t even have a true concept of time – they’re so absorbed in the moments of everyday life. That’s what I want to be like.
I also think I’m realizing the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit and why it is so valuable to God (1 Peter 3:4). I use to think a gentle and quiet spirit meant a gentle and quiet outer demeanor. Now I know it is most definitely a condition of the heart and it is a glorious condition of the heart.
Sometimes it feels like my heart cannot physically contain how wonderful He is.
I was on-call 4 times this past weekend. Friday night I didn't get any calls...and I was glad because I was super tired and needed a night of rest. AJ and I had planned to have a get together, but it wasn't really a good date for very many people, so we postponed it. Instead, we played cards (I like Rummy - I have no idea if that's how you spell it, but I don't like many card games and I really like this one!), ate turkey hot dogs, planted new plants for our front porch, watched 24, and read good books.
Saturday morning at 8 am I awoke to a signal call at the county hospital. Technically, I'm still in training, so when I get a call, another, more seasoned volunteer is supposed to get a call as well and meet me at the hosptial. Well, she never showed up! It was only my second time to respond to a signal and the first time was a really simple situation. This one was not. I was at the hosptial for 2 and half hours and I'll spare you the details because to tell you wouldn't be ethical and...I don't think you'd want to know. Suffice to say, the world can be a cruel place and I couldn't stop thinking about this woman for the rest of the day. It's easy to forget what kind of world we live in when you're at Panera sipping coffee, listening to classical music, and reading a good book (which is what I did after I got home from the hospital), but I couldn't forget, not Saturday at least - it just kept playing over and over in my mind.
Saturday night AJ and I went to The Village (I'm reading a book that is going to make me stop referring to The Village Church as "church" or "going to church" because, well, I now think it's wrong. Anyway...) and I started crying during some of the worship music. I just couldn't stop thinking about the girl at the hospital - it impacted me much more than I initially thought it had. The worship leader was talking about how we are all sinners and need forgiveness - and I think that's true, but I thought about it from the perspective of the woman I had met that morning and I thought - that's not what she needs to hear. She needs to hear that there is a Savior, that He loves her, and that He comes to redeem the world - it will not always be like this, she will not always have to live in a world where others will inflict such brutal pain on her. I realize how much "my church" is geared towards upper-middle class, white, suburbanites. And rightly so...
Home group after church was good. I shared my testimony with group....my whole testimony. Not that it's a horribly, shady testimony, but as I told the group - you make up part of the less than 20 people in the world who know everything. Maybe I'm just a private person, I don't know. People thanked me for sharing and said that I was "vulnerable", "encouraging" and "articulate". I've never been called articulate before, so that was nice.
Sunday I seriously didn't leave the house. I was on-call for 2 different shifts, but thankfully, didn't get any signal calls. All I did was read (I read a ton), watch TV, and cook. At the end of the day AJ asked me if I had even left the couch all day. haha. I had! I did get one crisis call from a woman with learning disabilities - so I was somewhat productive.
All in all from the weekend I got 3 hours of client contact, which is good considering the fact that I still don't have any clients. My internship is not turning out the way I had hoped it would. I found this very encouraging (the entry from yesterday) and I like this quote:
If we cannot believe God when circumstances appear against us, we do not believe Him at all. -Charles Spurgeon
Tonight I'm trying to get back on the weight loss band-wagon and I'm going to see the Sex and the City movie. Don't judge me. The Lord and I are at peace. =)